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Suicide and Cyanide

January 7, 2009

I’m putting this on here because I do want it read, and my mysoaceblog never gets read.
I could never kill myself, partly because I would be too scared, and
partly because my ego would never allow it. But, I wish I could just
not wake up one morning; just go to sleep and not wake up. And good GOD
don’t go calling any hotlines on me. I could never ever
deliberately kill myself.
I just feel like my whole life is scrambling to stay one step ahead of everyone, have one more trick up my sleeve like I always have in the past. But now, my aces have all played out. I feel betrayed and alone.
Sure, I can make jokes, I can brush it off, but getting kicked out of IB crushed me. Then Good goes and tells me that he doesn’t expect me to graduate high school in any traditional manner (i.e. if i graduate it’ll be by GED or a year late or something). And that hurt. A lot. There are like five people in this world that I
know I can trust, and that group seems to be shrinking. And quite frankly, that’s just the surface, there’s other things that I just don’t share with people.

I really do feel betrayed more than anything. I’m finding out that
there were teacher conferences about me before I was axed, and after my
father died. Apparently I’m pretty well talked about among the staff,
because my English teacher(who I’ve had for like 5 weeks, and almost never talk to) just brought up my PSAT score in passing, telling me how good it was. What the hell?

After my dad died, like three teachers actually tried to reach out to
me. Pantera, Phan and Buck. For Johnston’s class I did a fucking paper on his
death. It was a pretty bitter paper, but she didn’t follow up with it
because “I seemed okay.”

I guess I’m just wondering that if there were conferences about me (and there were, the staff had multiple(not sure exactly how many)meetings about me), about keeping me in IB, then why the hell didn’t I see anything from
anyone? Sure, every teacher told me that I’m soooo bright. Yeah, so?
I’ve been hearing that since kindergarten.

The one teacher who gives a damn about me, and is willing to fight for
me is Phan. He’s always been there to go to bat for me. And I respect
him for it. I’m not Bunnie, and will never be that fanatical, but I’m crushed every time Phan disapproves, because he’s one of the few people who believes in me, when at this point I’m not sure I believe in myself. I guess I’m just rambling now. I just feel so frustrated and betrayed and alone.
Thanks for reading this whole thing.

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